I never paid attention to anniversaries until I had cancer.
My husband and I can never remember if we got married in 2004 or 2005, and we often miss the date at the end of July because we are busy with summer travels . It wasn’t until I was a grown adult married myself that I started saying "Happy Anniversary" to my parents for their wedding anniversary.
A year ago - today - I woke up to shower with antiseptic soap. I walked my kids to school. I gave last hugs to friends. I answered questions about if I needed anything else. My parents had already arrived, coming with prepared food, Christmas gifts, and a to-do list of things to keep them busy around the house. I had eaten my last meal the night before at 8pm. I had trouble sleeping. I got up long before my alarm. I wondered if I would finally be done after so many hurdles. I remember desperately wanting it to just be over. I stood in the hallway and waited to go to the hospital. The morning dragged on. My appointment was not until 12:15pm to check in.
I remember being starving. Hangry, really. I wanted the surgery to be over so I could eat.
By the time we arrived at the hospital, I realized it would not be as easy as it had been the two times before. There were more people in the waiting room. The surgeon board with patient numbers and status was full, with lines added to the bottom. Patients were getting their surgeries over before the end of the calendar year for insurance reasons.
I remember getting quite testy with the nurse by 1:45pm and they wheeled me back at 1:47pm. After that, I remember waking up post surgery in a huge room cordoned off with curtains. Patients were jammed in there, row after row. We were waiting for a room to open up.
I have brief flashes of moments of my cancer journey. And as I have said over and over (to myself and in writing), I am still on the journey. I still have aches and zings and soreness. The emotions come roaring back sometimes. I get scared that something is wrong with my saline implants. I get scared that one year ago WASN'T the last of all of this. But I try to find peace that the cancer is gone in my breasts. No matter what comes up in the future, it will not be breast cancer.
I am celebrating - virtually - tonight. Wine. I will celebrate being past one more milestone. Cheers!
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