I have survivor’s guilt. Its more than that, though. I have guilt that I didn’t have a harder cancer – one that required radiation and chemotherapy.
There are many types of survivor’s guilt, not all associated with cancer. Plane crashes. Holocaust survivors. Military battles. Car crashes. Earthquakes and other natural disasters. September 11. Covid-19.
Some experience it more deeply than others and for some, guilt lingers longer. Survivor guilt was first identified in the 1960s. Several therapists recognized similar conditions among Holocaust survivors. People were experiencing flashbacks, obsessive or intrusive thoughts, nightmares, abrupt changes in mood, difficulty concentrating, anger, confusion, fear or loss of motivation. There was a stark sense of feeling responsibility for the traumatic event.
For me, I find guilt resurges when I hear of someone who is recently diagnosed with a much harsher cancer. A friend of mine was diagnosed last year with DCIS, estrogen positive, stage 1 and it spread to her lymph nodes. I felt terrible for her, but then guilty that I only had stage 0 and it hadn’t spread to my lymph nodes. I felt guilty that I was luckier, maybe. Another friend of a friend has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. There’s no comparison to that situation and my journey.
I feel pangs of guilt when I read a fictional story or watch a fictional movie about someone who lost a mother or sister to breast cancer. I feel guilty that I am still here, reading or watching the story unfold. I feel bad my life has moved on when others have been changed forever.
WHY?
I ask myself that a lot. Beyond asking why I got stage 0 DCIS (that’s just a numbers game, as mine is not genetic at all), I ask myself why I got ONLY stage 0 DCIS. Was that also just bad luck? Was it just the universe being unfair to me? Was it something I could have avoided? And how? Then my thoughts shift to the people who were diagnosed with a cancer that required chemotherapy and/or radiation. If it wasn’t genetics, then why did they get it? So many of these cancers seem to come out of the blue. Young people who have healthy lifestyles. It’s not fair. Its why the phrase F#ckCancer is on bumper stickers.
So in a season where we try to feel thankful, I am thankful for the quiet times when I do not feel guilt. Talking about feeling guilty feels silly but I try to do it because it helps a bit. I think we should all accept this as a thing that we can talk about.
Here is a link to an article from the NYT about covid and survivor's guilt. It rings true for me: It’s Time to Talk About Survivor’s Guilt - The New York Times (nytimes.com)
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