Ran out of gas. (Almost) literally and figuratively driving to my last pre-op appointment before surgery on the 25. It took over an hour and a half to get there- freak summer rain and regular shitty city traffic. They were annoyed I was late. I was annoyed I still have cancer.
But I seriously am out of gas. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of appointments. Did I already say I’m tired of waiting? And while I am tired of waiting, I don't want to do it. I understand in theory that I am not supposed to WANT to have it done because of the cancer aspect - but I am supposed to be excited about having a lift and a reduction, right? I'm not, really.
At my last pre-op appointment, I got to hear all about the possibility of infection, drain measuring and the inability to lift my arms for two weeks. I have finally let all that sink in. I am ready to get this in my rear view mirror. I am ready to start the last leg of this journey. I had only two questions: what bra should I be bringing to leave the hospital in? (Answer: they will provide me with one) Will they test the tissue taken out of the left "healthy" breast while they are reducing it? (Answer: of course). I signed my paperwork, I initialed dozens of pages of risks associated with surgery. I met briefly with the surgeon who measured and remeasured me again and said about 200 ccs would be a nice size for me. Its a cup size C. I never in my life have had a cup size of C. This, I should be excited for. More on that later (and new clothes!!)
I don’t look forward to recovery. I don’t feel like I have the in-house support to help with the kids. I called reinforcements (my parents)- and they will come down and stay until I’m ready to be on my own. But my husband is not making plans to help, not making plans for the kids. If they are going to be busy and out if the house so I have quiet recovery time, then I guess I have to make that happen. Seems unfair that I have to do everything, especially since I already have the burden of this health issue (inside I scream CANCER really loud). It seems that I have to line up all the plans and plane tickets and pack suitcases and make lists to do because in the 8 years we have had a child (then two), he has done none of it. Not. One. Thing. And he cannot move forward.
And I am tired of not having the support I need to just get a simple thing done. Its not like he has to have surgery. Or recover. Its not like he has cancer. Yeah, I realize I am whining.
So he decided he is going to take the kids on a family vacation. To where we normally go, with a slightly altered itinerary because the regular one is too hard. Please reread those two sentences. They are full of insight.
First off- a "family vacation." Without me. That more than hurts.
Second off- what we normally do is too hard for just him.
Enter all my anger and angst and annoyance. And with that it seems that I have this huge void in my heart that needs kid hugs. So that is where I am off to. Hug my kids.
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