I do not hate them for what they are, but I hate them for what DCIS put me through, even though I realize I was damn lucky in a diagnosis of cancer at stage 0.
Plus, to be honest, and as a warning to those who read this, even though I am complaining, they are still quite pretty.
Because of the pandemic, I never got to get properly fitted for a bra. Yes, I blame the pandemic. I was not fully ready to mentally or physically try on dozens of bras or discuss my wants and needs with a stranger with a fabric tape and vast knowledge of post-surgical over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders before the pandemic had us in lockdown.
So my saline bags, nee beautifully reconstructed breasts, are not feeling great. They are, to be fair, behaving more and more like regular breasts, moving and jiggling a little bit more as my skin stretches a bit. When I lay down and roll over, my left one moves a bit now. And as I gain sensation back in different spots at different times - it is hard to explain - but it feels like it is floating in skin. When my arm brushes against it, my arm feels my breast but my breast doesn't feel my arm. Its definitely wonky. Not bad, just wonky. And I know that most of the sensation will come back eventually.
And I remember being "warned" by a friend whose mom had the same surgery maybe twenty years ago. She had to have her implants removed because, as she put it, "they drove her crazy." I didn't really understand that until now. Mine do not drive me crazy, but they are definitely not quite natural. And while I wouldn't change my decision in having surgery and saline implants (everyone has their own journey), I can definitely see how people would choose something else.
I have been running more, as all the gyms are closed. So they are sore. And I have a few bras and camisoles that I bought off the rack without really trying on that really don't cut it. I finally went to the Title Nine (my favorite store pre-cancer) website to get instructions on how to measure myself for a sports bra, and after cutting a string and measuring it, I have discovered that, much to my dismay, I am still a D.
What?
What happened to small breasts?! 200 ccs of saline makes a size D breast!!? I laughed out loud and shook my head as I walked by my husband, who had initially suggested we just measure and buy a few and return them by mail. (He clearly does not understand how complicated bras and boobs are.) He asked why I was shaking my head and mentioned that he was confounded by any number/letter system for clothing and was not going to be further involved in boob covers.
That made me laugh as well.
I guess we will see what happens when the bra arrives and I try it on. Its been over 4 months since I have worn any kind of bra type material - this in itself seems amazing, as I was previously a GG (or DDDD depending on what brand you go with).
Fast forward to trying the bra on and having it be a little bit too big on one side and almost perfect on the other. I guess that has to be good enough for pandemic circumstances because bra stores are still not open here. I wore the bra one morning running and found that I was comfortable enough to wear it the rest of the day. While this may not be a huge thing, it is a step toward normal - or better than normal! I do not think I have ever WANTED to wear a bra all day before!
And slowly but surely I am getting a bit more comfortable in my saline. I have felt a bit more comfortable - if not a bit silly- flexing my pec muscles and making these saline bags jump. At six months post surgery, I am finally trying to find the silver linings with little things.
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