I am a mom (though sometimes I fail).
I am a writer (though lately it seems like just emails).
I am a substitute teacher (though not very much).
I am on the board of directors for an elementary and middle school PTA (though my patience with people is getting thin).
I am a wife (barely).
I am a friend (who rarely answers texts in full sentences).
I am tired (all the time).
Like, I’m too tired to wash my face. I fall into bed at night with the intent to read a chapter and find the book half way under my pillow, pages folded up, at 1am, after barely getting through one page.
“They” say that you can’t properly care for others until you care for yourself. Whoever “they” are didn’t seem to have life throwing random things at them all the time. A spouse’s layoff, a sick kid, a family friend pass away, a friend needs groceries delivered. Or maybe they do and that’s where this piece of advice comes from. But instead of offering advice as something you can put on a t-shirt or bumper sticker, I want to know HOW to do this. I want to know HOW to carve out 4 extra minutes to wash my face. I want to know HOW to find quiet in the times where I am making two different dinners at two different times because my kids have basketball, soccer, badminton or art (at the same time as I help one kiddo with extra math practice). I want someone to tell me what I am supposed to do when I am supposed to do it, because frankly, that’s all I do in my life: I tell the kids where they need to be when they need to be there. I tell my husband what time he needs to be at a kids conference/game/pickup. I tell everyone what to do when and I leave myself out because its just ONE MORE THING I have to do if I decide to do it. I keep the notes on all my kid’s medicines. Husband too. I don’t have time to worry about my own. I keep track of all the Comings and Goings of family members across the country. Because no one else does.
And I want to step away from it all. Or some of it. But I cannot do this because I don’t know what will happen if I do.
Hence, I am stuck in a rut.
And I don’t know how to get out. See, I don’t have a partner who feels that taking care of oneself is important. I mean, he feels its important to care for himself and make sure he is prioritized over others, but he does not feel that is my role. My role as mother is to make sure others are cared for. And if there is time, then I can care for myself. So in my house, I don’t come as a priority for anyone. I don’t make myself a priority either because after caring for so many others, I don’t have the energy for myself.
And it seems to be all about expectations – like I expect to have ten minutes to myself a day and on those days it doesn’t happen (which are most days), I feel angry/sad/disappointed. And then I think, “why doesn’t anyone else help me?” which is another expectation. I expect someone else wants to help me like I help everyone else. Expectations are a bitch, really. They push us into these traps where we think one thing is going to happen, but then this other thing comes racing around a corner to hit you in the butt. And when expectations don’t match what is happening in real life, we tend to demand change. And when change doesn’t happen, we fall into anger, depression, hurt feelings.
A friend once asked me “What would happen if you just didn’t any have expectations?” This is so hard for me to wrap my head around. So, I shouldn’t expect someone to help with dishes? I shouldn’t expect my kids to want a snack?
“What does that even mean?” I replied, exasperated!
She went on to explain that if you erased the expectations in your life, it shifts perspective to the things that are happening in your life. I think about this as being as simple as being more grateful when someone does the dishes and you didn’t expect them to. But what about deeper things. Like the expectation of your spouse to prioritize your needs over his/others? My friend said you cannot change other people’s behavior, only your response to their behavior.
I think I said, “you read too many self-help books.” I probably rolled my eyes.
It’s food for thought: that changing your expectations can resolve some of the conflict and/or disappointment in life. But it also feels a bit like lowering the standards of the people in your life. I am really conflicted about this, but I know something has to change. I just can’t seem to get to a place where I can figure out what that change is. And that’s where I pour from an empty cup. Because I keep getting up and doing the things for everyone else, expecting that someone will do something for me because I am modeling helping everyone else. Expectations do not meet reality. And so, while physics says we cannot pour from an empty cup, here we are, pouring from an empty cup.
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