top of page
Search
kthibodeau

It happened all over again



Today and the past couple of days I have been reliving the trauma of my journey. I have a friend – we have become closer in the past few months – who just got a call back about her very first mammogram. She turned 40 last week and one of the first things she did after blowing her candles out was make an appointment to have a mammogram. Since then, she was so full on anxiety that she could hardly function. She told me that at one point in the middle of the day, she saw an empty chair between her son and her husband and she flashed forward to a day when she wouldn’t be there because she had died of cancer.


“You think I am crazy.”


“I don’t at all. In fact, I had the same thoughts many times during my journey. It was when I took a picture of my kids and husband when we were on a hike. I broke down into tears immediately. To me, that was the picture of their lives without me.”


All I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around her. But due to covid, I couldn't. I can’t even get close. I wanted to tell her that everything was gong to be ok. But I gave her statistics instead. And I told her that – though there is literally no reason she should have more of a risk of cancer – if she is diagnosed with cancer, it is curable.


I felt helpless. But I told her I would be here anytime of any day. And that I would never judge her for anything she was feeling.


And then it all hit me. Once I was out of the moment, it was all rushing back to me like March 2019, when I was waiting and making appointments an researching the cancer.org website and asking my friends who had been through multiple mammograms and callbacks. I was trying to step forward without sliding back.


So, I texted my friend throughout the next couple of days, distracting, checking in. And when she went in for her second mammogram, she found out that it was a cyst and it needed to be monitored every six months, but it wasn’t anything to worry about. I congratulated her and told her I was relieved for her.


And that was true. But it was much more. I was sad and scared and tearful and relieved all at once, and I cried. I cried when I got the text that it was nothing to worry about.

I wish that had been my outcome. But it wasn’t. And then I had to search my soul for something to be thankful for – didn’t I?


I have found that listing things I should be thankful for does not make me feel better. It feels like a chore. It doesn't mean I am a sad or depressed person in general, it means that I don't need to make a list about things. I have decided that for me, being in the moment is a better way to find gratitude and perspective.


I was thankful that my friend did not have to go on my journey.


Since my journey I have learned that you can request a radiologist to look at your mammogram while you are waiting. So if there needs to be another scan taken, it is taken then and there. No waiting. No anxiety. I cannot advocate for this louder. Fight for it. Fight for your right to breath and to lessen the anxiety of WAITING.

18 views

Recent Posts

See All

FIVE

Comments


bottom of page