Here it is: last preop. Fingers crossed. It has been a hellish week, full of attacks on my family (read: bullies at school); attacks on myself (read: also bullies at school); and family drama (which honestly never ends- yay holidays). All that aside - because that is real life, the daily grind - I got to look forward to my last pre-op before surgery.
The drive to the city still sucks. Still. Music on. Loud. Traffic. It saddens me that its become a reality to know where a breast surgeons office is and to not have to put it in my navigation system anymore. Oh, and the $9 to park.
A note about my doctors and nurses. I still love them. They know I just want it done. They know I am ready. They know I am a rule follower, and though it did drive me insane, I will do nothing for two weeks and no cardio or lifting for six weeks. Yes, I have my soap, yes, people will be in the house taking care of me. Yes, I still have pain meds left, yes I still have nausea meds left.
We double checked that we are on the same page with procedures- mastectomy with direct to implant. Same size, same shape.
My doctor said to me, "I told your story today. And it helped her." I really didn't know what to say to that. She told someone that after I had a successful reconstruction, the smallest amount of DCIS was found and we were back to planning another surgery.
I helped someone by having cancer. Its weird to be happy about that. Its like the universe is pulling me in two directions. I would rather not have had the opportunity to help someone with this. But since I have to walk over this lump in the road, I may as well have helped someone.
I have been thinking so much about my story lately. I started writing again. While I am not a writer, I write. It does not mean anything will come of it. Maybe something "should" though. I have the following song in my head perpetually lately....
"Someone tell me when I can start again And rewrite this story How long can I stay Lost without a way to rewrite I wish I could rewrite this story" - From "Rewrite the Story" (Smash)
What is it that I want to rewrite? Well, I sure as hell would love to be able to say I have never had cancer. I will take being able to say I am cancer free in 20 days, though. I would really like to have a party. I would really like to stop being faced with daily shit and family shit and more daily shit and focus on something larger. Something to celebrate that's BIG. Why don't some people in my life realize that every single day I think about cancer and that I struggle to find a bright spot among the little things life throws me (and you). That arguing about anything tiny is literally not worth it to me. Because on the tip of my brain I am still waiting for that cancer to GET OUT and NOT COME BACK. EVER. And its that simple.
Should I be doing a countdown til surgery? Probably. But honestly I just want to be home from surgery and moving on. T-20 days.
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