So last friday, I got three phone calls. They were all phonecalls trying to schedule a radiation consult with me. The first call, I calmly explained that I would not be needing radiation treatment, so please just take me off the list. The scheduler was a bit disappointed that I did not want to follow my doctor's orders (though they actually were not her orders - or so I thought!!!) and hung up, saying he would make a note in my chart.
Two hours later, I got another call, same office, different scheduler, trying to schedule a radiation consult for two to four weeks post surgery. I less calmly explained that I would not be needing radiation as there would be no boob tissue to radiate. The woman snapped back that she was not a nurse and was just following the doctor's orders. I even less than previously calmly explained that I understood that my doctor would NOT be recommending radiation, and besides, I already had a consult with the very doctors she was trying to schedule me with. After telling me to just make an appointment, I asked her to read from my chart the request for an appointment, which she did. It was from my doctor's nurse and it sure seemed like I would be needing radiation. I told her that I would not be making an appointment and I would be calling my nurses to double check.
I hung up on her. I am not sorry.
Here is the deal. Cancer. Every single office person who calls a patient MUST RECOGNIZE that that patient has cancer. Whatever stage, whatever part of their journey. You dont get to tell people what they need to do. You dont get to change the course of their journey for them. You HAVE TO REALIZE that the mental capacity of a human with cancer is tenuous at best. You CANNOT throw a person with cancer a curve ball. IT WILL RUIN THEM.
I have handled most things up until now pretty well. This one wrecked me. I am already counting down the days until I get pathology back. I am scared to hope that I am cancer free. Which is ridiculous. I SHOULD have hope, dammit. But given my journey - with all these things that could have gone my way, could've gone better - I am scared to hope.
So don't tell me now I need radiation, when my doctor told me I would be done after this. JUST DON'T.
I called my nurse and left a message. Three hours later she returned the phone call and before I even confirmed it was me, she said, "Kate, I am so sorry. That message is automated, and you should not have received a phone call to make a radiation consult." She said that 90% of people from her office are referred, so it is an automatic system.
Now, though I was pretty sure that was the answer I was going to get, by then I had run until my body wouldn't let me, called and texted my support chain to complain, cry, bitch and scream, and sat in a puddle of tears wanting to die.
So yeah, none of that can be taken back. None of the emotions can be put back in the bottle. None of the energy expended can be reclaimed.
I am back on track. I have to be. Two days til surgery. Please let it be my last. I am cleaning for my parents to come. I am making sure every single Christmas thing is in place so my kids' holiday experience isn't ruined by cancer. I do not feel very Christmassy this year, and it is beyond exhausting putting up a strong front, a happy face, for the people around me.
I honestly thank the universe for the friends I have made and the support I have had around me, filling my space with love and compassion, hate and fear, positivity and anger, hope and confidence and humor. I got a text message from a friend the other day and I look at it every single day. Because that is what it takes to get through this.
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