So I gave up a fight last night. A fight I would normally take on. About something I feel pretty strongly about. But I didn't tell anyone how I feel. I didn't use my intellect and background to make a strong argument for doing the right thing; for pointing out that someone did something wrong and did not fix it; did a bad job at something they stepped up to do. I had prepared a whole list of things to make this person accountable. But it just sat in my notebook.
Its just the ptsa, right? Its just a volunteer board, right?
And I watched as a friend and colleague tried to make this person accountable (largely being met with "this is not the time or the place" arguments against reason by other board members). And it made me seethe. But I let it go. I sat at the table and doodled things in my notebook, knowing full well that it was unlikely that we would see this person again in any context at school, that she would likely check out and her name would just be on our board list for the rest of the year. That she is done. I sat and listened to excuse after excuse, and lie after lie, and I thought to myself, "why bother......"
And the whole walk home, I asked myself why I let it go. I had spent so many weeks thinking about how to set this whole event/affair straight, how to make sure that it could not happen again, how to ensure that the right person was always sitting in the right position. And I want to feel bad for not fighting. I want to feel like I have done wrong because I did not stand up for what I believe is right. But it turns out that I am tired of fighting for what cannot be changed. My body is tired of fighting. My mind is tired of being angry for things I cannot control.
Cancer messes with your head. I have struggled with so much with this diagnosis and treatment and plan of action that I feel helpless and can't control anything. But I can control how I approach things. I do feel bad for not fighting. But this woman is checked. She is done making a mess. She is not going to try again because she HAS to know she failed. And I don't think she would have realized we were telling her she did something wrong, anyway. Because that is who she is. Out of my control. But I can control how I move forward. How I "right" the "wrongs." And how I can make something better out of something shitty.
And that is one thing I have learned from all of this: pick your battles. You can only control your own reactions to shitty things.
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