I have never been much for gratitude. Yes, there are things I am grateful for, my current health being one of them, but the practice of listing things I am grateful for each day as a way to move forward and live a healthier life has not been something I have accomplished.
Frankly, I only tried once. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to be done with trying. Its just not for me.
Last year at this time, my family was traveling back east to see my husband's whole family. It is a hard trip with younger kids, but we decided it was time to get back to that tradition. It was not an easy trip, such a long flight followed by a long drive with holiday traffic. But I have been listening to my kids this week and they remember details I can barely resurrect from the depths of my mind. The nine year old can remember how many bridges we went over. The six year old can remember the pictures of the puzzles he and his great-grandfather put together. Both kids remember songs their dad made them listen to on his playlist. (Daaaaaad, not this again!!)
I remember it for many different reasons. It was the holiday in between surgeries. It was the holiday I was supposed to be cancer free. It was a return to where I consider "home" on many levels. I got my graduate education out east, I met lifelong friends who have challenged me, cried with me, laughed with me, and kept in touch over three thousand miles of life experiences. It is the place I grew to be such an independent person. It feels like home.
I remember sitting around the Thanksgiving table, meeting my new nephew, and thinking about the future. I was quite matter-of-fact about having another surgery to rid my left breast of the minute amount of DCIS they found in biopsying when I had that breast reduced to match the fake one. I was very blasé about going through another recovery. I remember just wanting to be done with it all and speaking quite openly about it. I remember my husband's aunt and uncle remarking that they trust any decision I make and said that I seemed to have a good attitude about it and expected nothing less from me.
I remember seeing my friend who is just there. She is just there for me. We see each other once a year and it is like no time has passed. We are comfortable and can share anything. Anything. She is the one who was going to have surgery next, followed by radiation. We sure made a pair!
I remember having no hard conversations. No one asked how I was, really, or how I was handling things. No one really asked. No one assumed I needed an extra hug. No one treated me any differently.
And yet THIS is the year when I need to be asked how I am handling things. THIS is the year I need an extra hug. THIS is the year I feel I need to be treated differently. When I was going through something like cancer, it was comforting just having people around me. No one needed to do anything special, just be there. Now with this pandemic and all the stay home orders, I am struggling with not being able to get extra anything - hugs, love, questions. I know this is the case with everyone right now, but those who have had a year of struggle/loss/diagnoses or those who are going through it right now under such difficult circumstances on top of a cancer diagnosis need so much more embracing.
THIS is the year I take time in my day to think of one thing to be grateful for. It has been a struggle so far, because I am constantly being pulled by my kids to help them with their remote learning, I cannot get to the chores of the house because everyone in my house is in my house all the time, and I take no time for myself. But I am grateful that my physical journey is over. I am grateful that I can be honest with myself that some days are darker than others. I am grateful that my family is healthy.
It is dark and stormy out my window today. I know it won't be like that forever, and I know it won't be that way for everyone. There will be sun again.
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