These feelings bubble up, often out of nowhere. In moments of quiet. In moments of noise. In just moments.
I hate myself for having to go through this. I’m drowning. Drowning. I can’t breathe. The water is so far over my head I can barely see shimmers of light.
I hate myself and I don’t want to wake up in the morning because I’m tired of facing decisions where I don’t like any of the options. I won’t be happy with any of the options.
1. Mastectomy and no reconstruction. Prosthetic and the constant reminder that I have no boob. Is it obnoxious to wear a bra? Run? Swim? Shower? Looks are important to feeling good about yourself and feeling good about yourself is important to being a happy and healthy person.
2. Mastectomy and implant. A boob job. Just to look better? It’s not like my health requires a boob. I don’t need them anymore. It’s something foreign in my body. Some cause lymphoma. It may move when I workout. It’s a foreign object in my body. Like a contact lens or a filling. Or a pacemaker. But it won’t save my life.
3. Mastectomy and tissue transplant. It might not work. Then I’d have to start all over. I may not heal well in my tummy (I hear any type of abdominal surgery has lasting affects). It would be two places that I’m cutting open. But it’s not a foreign object. But it’s ten hours of surgery for something that won’t ever do anything special.
I can’t do this anymore. I’m frozen. Stuck. I just want it all to be done. So I can move on. This process has scarred me for life.
No matter what decision I make, its not the one for me. None of these options are ones I won't regret.
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