I’ve finally gotten the courage to ask people about their boobs. One woman who I do yoga with has mentioned that its just a bump in the road, no big deal, that “this too shall pass,” as she jiggled her boobs and said, “these are fake.” I finally asked her if I could ask her about her boobs. She obliged graciously and honestly. Her boobs are implants. Saline. She is on her second set – the first one lasted 13 years and she said she was rough on them. She explained that one day, she noticed in the shower that one was deflated, and she had to get that one fixed. No big deal. She spoke of it more as a procedure and not as a traumatic event. She had a great attitude. She mentioned that she waited a year between having her double mastectomy (with a lot of flappy loose skin) and she tried the prosthesis and wasn’t happy. Wasn’t comfortable. Could not find anything to wear. And while I think there have been many improvements to undergarments and outer garments in twenty years, this is something to consider, especially since I only have one side to deal with. She said her flappy skin showed in everything she wore.
It was in this safe space that I first said outloud, “I am done with having big boobs. Why can’t I have smaller ones I’ve always wanted.” I was afraid to say it. Maybe I was afraid to feel that if I am being made to go through this shit, why can’t I have a choice. Why can’t I have something I want. I’m not sure I knew I wanted this but if I have to have it, maybe I get to choose smaller boobs that I don’t have to deal with. Honestly, I’ve been wearing compression bras (sports bras, if you will) since fifth grade. I’ve had the voluptuous boobs. I can be done with them.
I made it to a support group, put on by the reconstruction surgeon office. It was led by a nurse who works with the reconstruction doctors and a therapist who supports with cancer patients. There were ten women in the room. We went around the circle and introduced ourselves and shared our journey. Of those women, not one had the same journey. There was a woman who was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer in 2005 and decided on a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and a deep flap surgery. There was a woman diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma and had a double mastectomy and radiation. She has not yet decided on a reconstruction option but is DONE with prosthetics. There was a woman with benign tumors that just kept growing back who eventually decided on a mastectomy and then reconstruction with silicon implants. There was a woman who had a mastectomy on her left breast and had been adjusting her clothing for over a year and was so tired of it and decided to do a deep flap surgery as well. There was a woman who had a lateral flap tissue transplant and an implant. She had to use her back tissue to create a breast skin envelope that was strong enough to support an implant because her own skin underwent radiation.
There was so much strength and courage and honesty.
There was also show and tell. And with all due respect for the courage it takes for those women to just open their shirts to anyone who walks into that meeting, those breasts looked just lovely.
It was an open, respectful, honest space to share concerns and overcoming our diagnoses.
This morning I had what I determined ahead of time would be my last consultation meeting. I met with the first reconstruction surgeon (she welcomed be back) and I told her I just couldn’t do the deep flap transplant. She understood my decision and reiterated that nothing we did now had to be a Forever Decision. Everything we do can be undone. An implant can always be taken out. I can always try a deep flap tissue transplant in the future.
I asked her if we could do the surgery once. I just don't want to do so many surgeries. Is it possible to do the mastectomy along with the reconstruction? She said, in my case, it is an option because I have large breasts and healthy breast skin. As long as I put in implants that were smaller, it would not be a problem. I asked for saline, which she said was a good choice. It would offer a slightly less firm, slightly more natural line - which given my age and fact that I breast fed kids, would make sense. She measured the width of my current breasts so that I would have a size implant that fit my body type.
I haven’t been this relieved in a long time.
I left the office feeling like I got everything I wanted.
Well, not the cancer thing. Cancer has to go. Cancer sucks.
And there is a slight feeling that another shoe is going to drop....
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