Countless Apologies

I have been apologizing.

A few weeks ago, I apologized to a friend who owns a local painting business because I don't know if I am going to schedule a big party and have her host it yet. I told her that I did not want to jinx my pathology coming back by scheduling an event celebrating that I was cancer free. So I apologized. She said: "Did you just apologize to me for not being able to control cancer?"

Yes, I did.

Because surgery is on December 12, we are cramming all of the holiday junk in this weekend (tree, lights, friends holiday parties, etc). There are only two days. And it is incredibly stressful. I apologized profusely to my husband that we may have to find another tree farm place to visit (constraints of our schedule and the tree farm) and he said to stop apologizing.

Why, though? Why can't I apologize?

I feel sorry that I have to do this, not for myself (though I can absolutely understand how people who are diagnosed feel sorry for themselves). So I am sorry the people around me have to rearrange their schedules. That my kids may not do the normal Christmas things this year (though they don't know that yet). That my friends have one more person to worry about next week. That my parents have to slog through mountain passes and rearrange their schedules and worry about me.

Because cancer won't apologize to me.

Rather than being angry (which I was, but I am not currently), I choose to move on, which in my own way, maybe means being sorry that this shittiness is affecting people around me. So thats it.