March 2019 was a month I could try to forget, but cannot. Just two months ago, I "celebrated" the anniversary of being diagnosed with DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ) and on that day, I was full of hope and was calm in the reflection of the decisions I had made over the past year.
Today is a different day. Today, I continue to live in the state of chronic threat response. For a year, I lived with a fear of being sick, of not knowing what would happen next with my diagnosis, surgery, pathology results and the impending recovery of all of that. Then, just after I was given an all-clear, I had a skin cancer scare.
Then the covid-19 pandemic, in which, I feel I can safely say, we are all living in a state of chronic threat, with still no end in sight.
A chronic threat response is the state of living with a stress to your nervous system, causing all sorts of side effects like the inability to sleep, anxiety, and irritability. Poor sleep causes all of those side effects. Then the cycle repeats.
We read and listen to the news and we are stewing in negativity, fear and the unknown. The virus is still killing people. Now there is a previously undiscovered inflammatory disease associated with it that is attacking children.
People are unemployed. Businesses are failing to reopen.
We have lost interest in doing things we used to enjoy - possibly because we can't physically do them anymore.
I was taking a long walk earlier this week, noticing how JUST DOWN I was, and trying to figure out how I could pull myself back up. I realized that I don't feel like pulling myself back up. And there are a few bright moments in days, when a child finally finishes their online schooling or a milestone like needing another bike because they outgrew it. There are small moments of brightness in hearing the kids laugh over something that I just don't understand.
But that's it.
Other than waking up to make sure my kids sit at their screens and "learn," why bother getting out of bed? And today, I am really feeling it. I am on day 73 (maybe 74?) of cooking 3 meals a day and parenting by myself because my partner is more concerned with the details in his own life than the three people that live in the same space as him. He is clueless to the fact that his kids are having trouble "staying home and staying safe" and that his spouse is beyond fatigued, still dealing with a cancer journey, and unable to find the light in a very dark room.
I am going to schedule a six foot distanced meeting with a friend. Maybe two. Or three. Because, even though that is not allowed by my spouse, who considers that to increase our potential infection, my sanity is more important.
Stay safe. Be well.
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