Beware of this post - there will be swearing, discussion of undergarments and some raw feelings....
So I need a new bra. I am done wearing this hook-in-the-front, post-surgical, weird line-making piece of material. I also want to feel a bit normal again. Or start getting to a new normal. Before the next change.
My friends have been telling me to just go to Nordstroms, have them fit me, and get a few news things. Now, no one likes bra shopping, even with their own ta-tas. Its degrading to stand in front of a three way mirror and examine the bulges over, under and through the fabric, under your arm, or flowing out of the top of the cup.
I knew what I wanted, something soft and hooks in the back. Something that is just there. I do not need a ton of support. I drove in traffic (oh my gosh there is so much traffic) to Nordstroms and climbed to the third floor - lingerie. I swear the last time I was in Nordstroms was maybe five years ago. Its not my type of place. I do not feel comfortable there. I digress.....I picked out four bras, in several sizes, and went to a dressing room. Most of them fit just fine. Some looked better than others (I only have one nipple, so there are some logistical issues there) but I was pretty happy. I went back out to pick some more and ran into a sales person (I feel like they probably have a better, more important title at Nordstroms), and asked if she had any advice about a bra where the padding could be taken out of one side and left in the side with the nipple - these are the logistics I referred to....
She said she would go find the bra fitting woman who specialized in post surgery and would send her right over. She congratulated me for making the huge step to coming back to shopping. So that made me feel somewhat better.
The woman came over and introduced herself to me and immediately asked if I knew that insurance paid for post-surgery bras. I said I was aware but it didn't necessarily matter because I just wanted to walk out of the store with something that was comfortable. She told me that it seemed I should just come back and be fitted and make sure I had my prescription so they could bill my insurance. She kept using the word "augmentation" to describe my surgery, and I almost punched her in the face each time it oozed out of her mouth. You cant augment WHAT DOESN'T EXIST. Women who have mastectomies do not have anything to augment - except perhaps a chest cavity? That is why we call it reconstruction surgery. You are building up, not MAKING MORE BIGNESS and BETTERNESS. In every support group I have sat through or survivor I have spoken with, no one uses it. Its offensive to the survivor. This woman who is supposedly trained in helping mastectomy patients should know this. FULL STOP. Im guessing she gets paid pretty well, so, do your job better, woman.
I bought one bra for $38, which by the way is half the price of any bra I have bought in the last 25 years due to my previous size. So whatever. I am happy with that and only that. I finally have one thing to wear that makes me feel a bit "normal."
Yes, I cried in the car leaving the mall. Because after all anyone who has been through this has been through, the last thing we need it so feel like shit while trying to be comfortable.
On top of all of this I found out that one of my family friends was diagnosed with cancer and is about to undergo radiation. Yes, I am surprised. And sad. And mad.
Oh also, one of my best friends in all of life, who does not live anywhere near me, has breast cancer. Caught early, but will still require surgery, radiation, possibly more. While her family history may have "predicted" a situation like this, there is no preparation you could ever do to hear the word "cancer" and be ok with it. Or not terrified. Or angry. Or sad. Or scared. I HATE being so far away. HATE HATE HATE. And now I know how she felt when I was going through my diagnosis and surgery.....touche, universe, touche.
I called my mom to kind of vent about how I feel about these two cancer diagnoses. I pondered out loud to her about these people's medical journeys, and why, maybe, that one would have a stage 0 cancer and still have to have radiation. She said, "Well, I fully expect that you are not done with your journey either. Your doctors have not gotten anything right yet, and at every step, there has been another thing come up. So I expect you will have to have radiation after all."
And then all my words fell out: That is not helpful. You are not a doctor. Why would you say something like that? How does that help me live day to day until the next surgery? How am I not paralyzed by fear? How dare you. Fuck you.
I understand that as a mother, she is helpless. She watches all this from afar. I understand that she comes from a different generation, where they didn't talk about every little thing, like we do. I understand because I am also a mom. But fuck that. Are you kidding me. And now I am mad and angry and mad and angry all over again. And I am stuck in a mad-angry cycle where I want to punch stuff. Also throw stuff. And scream.
And when I am done with all that punching, throwing and screaming, I have to prove her wrong. 100% wrong. And maybe she knows that this is who I am and its a challenge. Honestly I think thats the only way I can forgive her for her thoughts....
None of us should have to do this. Cure Fucking Cancer. Someone fucking cure cancer.
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