’m in a bad mood. Not only that, I’m hating Christmas and everything it stands for. I’m not feeling very giving. I’m not enjoying my family or kids. And worst of all, I don’t even feel bad about it. I want to be left alone. I don’t want to hear anything- I want absolute silence. I want to wake up when my body says to wake up and I want to go to sleep when my body says to. I don’t want to have to worry about any one thing, any human being, or anyone’s feelings.
I want to run away.
I should be thankful the sun is out. It’s been down pouring for days. I should be thankful I’m cancer free (I am though it hasn’t quite sunk in and I haven’t quite had a chance to process it). Should.
Should.
Should.
I sat down to plan a trip to Disneyland yesterday. But was told by my husband it is too expensive.
But I am cancer free, soooooo....I’m gonna go.
It’s too expensive.
Uhm, but....like I don’t have cancer anymore.
We could do something better with the money it would take to fly there.
Yeah but....no cancer...
So I shut my computer.
I am disappointed that I have 8 ml to go before my drain can come out - but it doesnt matter now because no office is open until dec 27. So whatever. It doesn’t hurt. It’s just annoying and it makes me feel sick. It’s a barrier to getting back to normal.
So is having my parents here to help but no human is actually helping me do anything. I am still making my own coffee. And getting cereal ....Thanks mom for doing the dishes and laundry and vacuuming. That’s actually helpful. But the kids are a wreck- no one is listening. Our consequences are ignored and we are disrespected at every turn- everything we say. More than it’s ever been at a holiday.
And through all of this I have to continue like I didn’t just get a new lease on life, like I didn’t just go through ten months of hell and the unknown and an emotional rollercoaster. I have to pretend that it’s a regular holiday. That’s the regular things we going to happen.
And I hate this drain. It’s a reminder that I’m in the last stages of all this. And we all know the last part of the waiting game takes the longest....
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