PTSD

I recently had an annual test done – a pap smear – which is a screening procedure that detects cervical cancer. It turns out that because I have never had an irregular test, I can become part of the “5 Year Club” meaning I can have the test done every five years instead of every year. Cervical cancer is caused by the HPV virus, so if you practice safe sex with only one partner then you have a very low risk of getting the virus.

She told me before I left that it would be about 7 days before the results were back. Ok, no big deal. I have quite a low risk of this, so, no reason to worry about it at all.

My appointment was on a Monday and by Friday I was obsessively checking my email for MyChart notification that I had a test result.

It had not even been 5 days yet. Still, I could not wait any longer. I needed to know. Even though it was extremely unlikely that I would have anything but a regular test result, I HAD to know.

Before I was diagnosed with DCIS, I didn’t pay any attention to how long I waited for test results, no matter what test it was. I couldn’t tell you that I even checked my results and didn’t know where to find them online. I assumed that if someone needed me to know something bad, I would get a phone call.

I couldn’t concentrate on lesson plans for my kids who are homeschooling until they are vaccinated. I had to check my email. I had to see if my ringer was turned up so I would be notified if a message came in. I was anxious to move through to the next challenge, but I was stuck thinking I would have another phone call containing bad news.

I was constantly distracted and worried. I was eating everything that was put in front of my. I was hard on myself for that, saying that if I was unhealthy I would never be able to fight the inevitable cancer diagnosis I was about to get.

My emotions and brain took a leap and thought about having to go through the cancer journey again, this time for cancer of other woman parts besides breasts. If it was bad news, they were just waiting for the doctor to have a chance to call me, right? If it was good news, they would have already released the results.

It wasn’t until 15 business days that I called the nurse in my doctor’s office. She said, “woah that’s a long time to wait” when I told her how long I had been waiting. She called me back to tell me that the lab had been taking up to 3 full weeks to get results back and that she would post the results as soon as they came in. I surmised it may have been due to shifting in lab priorities due to covid testing or something, but honestly, I couldn’t really wrap my head around it all. l I just could not wait anymore.

The same moment I was hanging up with the nurse, my husband walked in to tell me that if I wanted to check my vaccination records, there was a website and blah blah blah – see we had been having an ongoing conversation about whether or not I needed a tetanus booster because I couldn’t remember when I had one last, because honestly tetanus isn’t on my mind a whole heck of a lot. He told me if it had been ten years, I needed another one. I am a camel and that broke my back. I couldn’t handle one more thing. I couldn’t handle another doctor’s office or clinic, even if it didn’t mean waiting for test results. I was irritable, startling easily, and feeling quite defensive and angry.

I exploded. I started screaming about how I could not possibly do one more thing, about how I couldn’t wait any longer, about how messed up the medical system was, about how I could only handle so much emotionally and with no one else to understand why it was so hard for me to wait, I couldn’t possibly start one more thing.

He stared at me like I had three heads. Like nothing I was saying to him made any sense. Of course it didn’t. He didn’t ever wait for cancer results for his body. His body didn’t shake while listening to how his life would suck for the next few months. He hasn’t had to deal with the random emotions burbling up through daily life. And that’s what they do, they burble. They burble and then when provoked, they explode.

Looking back, I realize that my worrying was completely irrational. There was no reason to be worried about a test result coming back with bad results, because I had never had an irregular test result for a pap smear before. But here is why my brain went where it did - I had no reason to think a mammogram might give me a bad result either. I had no history of breast cancer in my family. I had no lumps. So when I got THAT bad test result, my ability to be rational when waiting for test results disappeared.

It occurred to me that I might have PTSD when it came to waiting for test results. So, I looked it up and going through a cancer diagnosis can cause PTSD of sorts. Here are the symptoms I found: insomnia; startling easily; inability to think clearly or concentrate; re-experiencing the traumatic event in nightmares, flashbacks or memories; feeling defensive, fearful or angry; negative self-perceptions. The symptoms can be triggered when a person sees, smells or hears something that reminds them of their diagnosis. Specifically, the Center for Anxiety Disorders states “post treatment screening, testing and waiting for test results can bring the original trauma back to the forefront.”

Its an actual emotional trauma.

Therapy for cancer-related PTSD is similar to treatments for other forms of PTSD and usually involve a combination of therapies including relaxation techniques; mindfulness training; meditation; cognitive behavioral therapy; support groups; and medications. I specifically appreciated that the Center for Anxiety Disorder stated that a person needs to understand that “a disorder like this one develops because of extraordinary stress, not because of weakness.”

My test results came back clean. Nothing. Ironically the results were released via MyChart at 1:27am the day I called to ask why it was taking so long. But the question for me remains: How do I move through this? I will still have tests to take in the future. I will still have to wait for results. I try to breathe and do a few mindfulness practices, but lets be honestly, life things get in the way.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that once the cancer is gone, you start along a different path, a different journey of physical and emotional recovery. And it’s the emotional recovery that is a much longer path than the actual surgeries and treatments received. And now that I have realized I still am on the path of recovery (not TOO recovery) I can work on healing.